Hola Ladies!
Well, at the request of a friend who shall remain nameless (Barbara, wink-wink) I am posting some of my most guarded beauty secrets here on the World Wide Web for everyone to read. Barbara wasn't the first person to comment on my youthful appearance and my stylish make-up, if I may say so myself, so I feel both flattered and obliged to share these tips with my girls (for those who don't need them and a few who do--you know who you are. LOL!)
HAIR DO's & DON'TsFirst and foremost are my hairdo tips, since my stylish beehive is perhaps my most striking attribute. For those of you girls who still have a full head of hair (and I thank the Lord Above that I do, although
WallyWigs.com carries some beautifully life-like acrylic wigs at reasonable prices if yours is too thin to tease.), have I got a tip for you.
Now ladies, if you spend 15 dollars for a cut-color-and-curl at the hair salon, it's a simple matter of economics not
not to care for it properly. I don't know about you, but my last name is not Roosevelt and my money-tree died during the first four years of the Bush Administration, so popping into the Hello Gorgeous! Hair Salon every week for a touch-up is out of the question. The best way to keep your beehive freshly stacked is, right before you go to bed, wrap the whole thing in toilet tissue. Don't get stingy with it either. I go through a whole roll every 3 days and I keep plenty of backup in my nightstand. Once you've got it wrapped nice and thick, you want to slip a plastic grocery bag over it to keep it from unraveling while you sleep. Just hook the handles under your earlobes or tie them in a bow under your chin to make it snug. Next, you'll want to prop two extra-long body pillows on either side of you to keep you from rolling over in the middle of the night. I sleep like a corpse with my hands folded gently over my bosom. In the morning you simply remove the bag and unwrap your head (using as much of the toilet paper for your morning business as you can and flush the rest, though not all at once or you'll be calling a plumber) and Wallah! you're good to go!
PUTTING YOUR FACE ONI never leave the house without my face on and I suggest the same for you. It's a hard and true fact that society expects us girls to wear make-up when we're in public, and honestly, I'm happy about it. Embrace your outer beauty, ladies! If God had wanted us to walk around without eyeshadow and lipstick He wouldn't have given the breath of life to Merle Norman, God rest her soul. The trick to applying and buying make-up is to first find out what "season" you are. Your season is determined by your skin, eye, and hair-color (natural or otherwise). Here is a chart of the 4 seasons.
Choose the one that most looks like you. Once you determine your season, drive yourself down to Woolworth's on 7th. They offer a complimentary make-over (half-face only) done by Myrtle Harper. The make-up counter is all the way in the back of the store behind Automotive. Blink and you'll miss it. I suggest having a make-over at least once every 12 years so you can keep up with current trends. Once you get back home you'll want to try applying make-up yourself. I put my face on in my powder room with the blinds drawn and by candlelight. That way, once I leave the house, I know I'll be wearing enough cosmetics whether I'm being seen in a dimly lit back office or full-on sun.
Keep some magazines handy if you need good make-up reference and want to experiment with different styles. Currently, I'm using J4 Burnt Branch eyebrow pencil for my brows and eyeliner. Be sure to make the brows nice and dark. Nothing is more disturbing than a face with no eyebrows. Then I fill in the area from lid to brow with Y1 Hawaiian Mist Sky Blue eyeshadow. Next I top it off with G2 You're A Peach lipstick on my lips and a dab on each cheek. It only takes 2 minutes from start to finish, if you don't count gluing the false eyelashes on first.
KEEP THE MOTOR RUNNINGOne of the most important ways to stay young and beautiful is to take care of your body. After all, the Good Lord Above only gave you one. They say the body is a temple, so where do you want to be living: in one of those ratty evangelical strip-mall "iglesias" or the Sistine Chapel? Taking care of your temple means watering it...a lot. I drink a gallon of water every day. Sure, I go tinkle almost all day long but it keeps my eyes bright and burns off extra calories running back and forth to the john. And speaking of calories, what lady doesn't enjoy a nice cheesy casserole or Jello Dark Chocolate instant pudding more than she should? You too can keep trim with just a few days of exercise a week. Every other day I walk the Jumbo Outlet Mall with Eugenia Plymouth down in Roundtree. I carry a can of beans in each hand and flap my arms like a bird to give my underarm-flab a good workout. I'm just careful to walk on Eugenia's left side now since her cataract is in her right eye and once I almost knocked her clean over with my elbow.
THE RIGHT PANTSUIT
I cannot emphasize enough how important the right pantsuit is to a girl. Nothing is more embarrassing than seeing a pear-shaped woman in an hour-glass pantsuit. This is a must: you've got to try on your pantsuit in a full-length mirror BEFORE you buy it. Or at least have a supportive friend with a critical eye accompany you to Penney's when you shop. As for fabric, I'll say one word about double-knit polyester: SURE-FIRE! I know polyester doesn't breathe but it holds an ironed crease well and won't show a wrinkle, even after a two-hour trip on my Cushman Scooter through windy west Texas. And I've got a picture to prove it. You can't go wrong with poly! And always, always wear a scarf wherever you go. A nice scarf adds a splash of color to any outfit and is invaluable for keeping your hair neat and tidy on blustery days.
Well I've got to head out for my kundalini pilates class now and my instructor Trudy hates it when any of us girls is late. Last week she locked the door at 7 sharp and poor Sadie Sawyers sat outside in the freezing rain with no umbrella for an hour after her husband Herb dropped her off at the First Baptist Bodhisattva Inter-Denominational Muli-Cultural School and Rec Center then sped away before she could stop him.
Til next time "ladies", eyes down.
"Bingo" Betty Sanchez
Betty Sanchez's Fat & Nutty Blue Cheese Log
