For the past 2 years I have been leading a Sunday School program for pre-K kids at the Crucified Redeemer First Baptist Church in Sweetsville on the second Sunday of every month. With my "Puppets Of Praise" program, I teach the Word of the Good Lord to our future Christian leaders through colorful, dramatic, and cleverly disguised lessons of love and tolerance. It has been a richly rewarding source of joy to see the bright and wondrous faces of young ones as I reenact some of the more outlandish fables from the Good Book, such as Jonah and the Whale, Eve & the Serpent, and The Rapture. Last year, at the Regional Redeemer Bazaar Extravaganza I won a Golden Shepard Award for my production of "What Do You Noah, It's Raining: the True Story of Noah and the Ark in One Act", which I wrote and performed all by myself! It was only the second place bronze Golden Shepard, not the first place gold Golden Shepard, but as Nanna used to say "Second place is first runner up".
This year, I had planned on going for the gold, literally, with a musical version of Our Lord Jesus' many miracles, which I knew would make me a shoo-in, considering that I had recently acquired a deluxe magic kit for two dollars at the Semi-Annual Ironic Masonic Lodge Swap Meet and had worked several show-stopping illusions into the show. Of course, since my audiences are mostly under five, I had used my artistic license to modify the more mature stories to suit younger viewers. Some of the musical numbers I had written were "Turning Water Into OJ", "Raise Up, Sleepy Head, Raise Up", and "He Cured The Leopards".As you all are well aware, times are tighter than a new pair of boots, so when the Director of Special Events and Programs at the church, Gerald Smalls, informed me that he had arranged for an intern to assist me with my puppet show, I was thrilled! The memory of painstakingly making finger puppets of two of every species of All God's Living Creatures for "Noah" was still fresh as newborn's breath so the thought of having someone else paper-mâché 4000 loaves and fishes was welcome news to me.
My intern's name is Quentin Tortorelli, who I have since learned is the nephew of Gerald Smalls, my "boss" at the church. Quentin arrived to our first meeting at the Super Sunday School Annex wearing sunglasses (indoors!), a baseball cap turned backwards, and a black t-shirt featuring a disturbing image of a very unattractive woman named Marilyn Manson. Gerald introduced Quentin (who barely said a word) and then proceeded to break the news to me that our current musical production of "JC's Miracle Musical Spectacle!" would be put on indefinite hold, as Quentin would be producing and directing his own puppet production for the Regional Competition. Gerald explained that Quentin was required to perform community service as the result of a Class C Misdemeanor in Hollywood, where he is from, so I would be assisting him with his show! I was crestfallen, to put it politely, but I proudly consider myself a team player so I bit my tongue and stepped down.
After Gerald left, Quentin announced that since he was a film student for seven years, he was basing our new show on a movie, not a children's tale or classic bible story. We were now, I was informed, putting on an all-puppet version of "The Passion of The Christ", a film originally directed by Mel Gibson (that I learned grossed $612 million dollars worldwide), and one which I have not seen.
Mel Gibson is that handsome actor who starred in the charming movie "Maverick" (number 14 on my list of Betty's Favorite Films of All Time And Then Some). However, the last movie I saw Mr. Gibson in, "Braveheart", was just dreadful (sorry Mel), which I had been tricked into watching while babysitting my neighbor's twins, Robby and Bobby Baker. Those devilish boys had convinced me to rent it for them at Blockbuster by telling me a fib. They swore up and down it was a cartoon about a scrappy little dragon, however "Braveheart" was violent and gory, and the only thing on earth I've ever witnessed that comes close to the time I discovered a fox loose in my Grandpa Vernon's hen house when I was ten. My, what a slaughter! I can't even look at a drumstick or hot wing since without getting queasy. When I asked Quentin if I could read his script, he said it was "still in his head" and "mostly improv anyway" (whatever that means!). Then he gave me some fuzzy drawings which had been did on a soggy paper napkin from some establishment called "Mother Lode". These, I was informed, were the character puppets I was to create for Quentin's "Masterpiece" (as he kept calling the play from that day forward).
For the next two weeks I worked feverishly on the puppets, trying to bring Quentin's vision to life as faithfully as I possibly could. All in all I had built 8 puppets: Pontius Pilate, JC Himself, two Roman guards and, due to budget restraints, only 4 of the 12 Apostles (but at least the important ones!) Quentin was rarely around during those two weeks and when he did show, he reeked of marijuana (yes, ladies, I am familiar with that smell---I do have grandkids, you know!) and spent most of his time working on the show's pyrotechnics. Can you believe it? A puppet show with fireworks? Indoors?? At the end of the second week I had just about had enough of Quentin and his shenanigans. Finally, he arrived one afternoon to check on my work when I had just finished painting a tear on the face of the Jesus puppet. Quentin looked at the puppet, disgusted, and started yelling at me to add more bruises and dried blood to His face. When I told him that was no way to disrespect our Lord And Savior, he snatched the puppet out of my hand and started splattering it with red paint! Now, I'm not sure if I was high on Divine Reverence or the fumes from the rubber cement (earlier I had glued a little whip into the hand of a Roman soldier), but I threw down my paintbrush and quit on the spot! I told him I wanted no part in his "Masterpiece" and asked him kindly to remove my name from any and every part of the production, to which he replied "Gladly, you old
Well, to cut the story short, the Regional Redeemer Bazaar Extravaganza went on this year without Yours Truly. I couldn't even bring myself to attend the Bazaar, much less watch the puppet presentations that night. However, the very next day, Gerald called me to apologize and to inform me that Quentin did not win the competition with his "The Passion of the Christ in 4-D" puppet show. He also said, in fact, the First Baptist Church had been banned indefinitely from entering the competition again! Turns out that Quentin's pyrotechnic "blood bomb" had set off the fire alarm during the performance and seventy-five men, women and children,
Luckily, my name was in no way associated with the debacle, so I will retain my Gold Membership Status in the Holy Hand Puppet Guild. All I have to say, is "Thank the Lord, for He works in Mysterious Ways!" For now, I will put my production of
$5 prizes go to: Amy Flores, Lenora Davis
$10 prizes go to: Barbara Black, Vera Wiley
$20 prizes go to: Joyce Jackson, Frances Lewis
And the $25 grand prize goes to Kiki Goldstein
Til next time "ladies", eyes down.
"Bingo" Betty Sanchez
