Now before any of you ladies climb on top of your high horse or line up to cast stones, I would like for you to try, for just one teensy moment, to pry apart that steel trap you call your "mind" to recall the words to the lovely song from your childhood "Jesus Loves The Little Children". Some of you may still sing this song to your grandbabies as you rock them to sleep after a long day of thankless babysitting while your very own son-in-law is out drinking his liver to swiss cheese and cheating on your daughter with some floozy waitress (I will spare the shame by not naming names, but you know who you are). Lest ye forget that Jesus loves all the children of the world, Red, Yellow, Black & White...That song didn't say anything about excluding the children with alternative lifestyles or sexual orientations different from yours and mine. The Good Lord may have made Adam and Eve, but it was Adam and Steve who spruced up the ratty neighborhood known as Shady Acres, turning that shanty town into downright paradise and raising property values for every home east of the Wal-Mart.
Anyways, Miss Ruby puts on a great show at a local Mexican bar & grill twice a week, except on Easter, Memorial Day and most of the Jewish holidays (she says her White Party outfits are meant for bigger audiences than can fit into the basement of The Hole Enchilada, where she performs). Jeremy and his college friend Leonard took me to see Ruby call bingo last Wednesday, which is Drag Queen Bingo Night. We got there early and caught the tail end of Carry-A-Tuna Karaoke Night, which was frequented by mostly large, handsome women (or womyn, as they prefer to be called). I met a very nice and very pretty one named Barb who bought me a Bloody Mary made with Clamato called a Bloody Martina (named for that sweet yet terse tennis champion, Martina Navratilova). It sure was tasty, and when I had finished every drop except for the large gerkin garnish, she offered to buy me another. I had to decline, however, because I'm a one-drink-woman ever since I went through the Change Of Life.
Ruby took to the stage later than expected (almost 2 more hours) so the boys and Barb taught me how to throw darts and shoot a pool game called Blackball while we waited for the show to start. Drag queens are notoriously late, Leonard said, so I dared to order another Bloody Martina to kill some time. Another drink and another Blackball later, Miss Ruby finally appeared on stage. I could see straight away that it was worth the wait. She was a vision in tangerine taffeta! And with heels so high she looked ten feet tall (which Leonard said was just about right)! She opened with a musical number medley from Mama Mia! that just about brought down the house, but quickly commenced with the evenings festivities of your and my favorite Great American Pastime known as Bingo! Lucky I brought my crocheted bingo bag with me because these kids were using lipsticks instead of daubers, which made a mess of the Xeroxed bingo sheets we pros call flimsies.
Well, call it divine intervention if you will, but no sooner had I spread out my 22 cards when I got to holler out BINGO! It was in the pattern of Large Picture Frame but she called it The Judy Garland, and I won a DVD of Auntie Mame (with Rosalind Russell, not the Lucy I love, durn it!), a can of AquaNet and a bottle of something called lube, which Jeremy quickly snatched from my bag. When I collected my winnings, Miss Ruby just had to go and make a big deal about me being a 3-Time Bingo Calling Champion from Texas and had me stand up and take a bow. Everyone in the bar was so nice, and I got a standing ovation. Then Miss Ruby took me by surprise and asked me to join her on stage to call the next game, a pattern they called Pearl Necklace (which looks a lot like Small Picture Frame, if you ask me.) Well I'm not sure if it was the vodka talking or excitement from the crowd cheering me on but I had no choice but to say "yes, ma'am!".
Well, ladies, I called the quickest and most accurate game in my career as a bingo caller and the kids just loved me! Miss Ruby was really working the crowd, telling jokes (which can't be repeated here, but ask me the next time you see my pretty little head under the dryer at the Hello, Gorgeous! Hair Salon and I'll tell you the ones I remember). She really wowed 'em with her "Total Eclipse of the Heart" number when she brought out a flashlight and made an eclipse on a silicone implant she had stuffed in her bra. Ruby let me play the part of the moon, and I felt like a true movie star on Oscar night or the Golden Globes. Before long, the whole crowd was shouting for an encore, and not just for Ruby, but me too. Now I know what it must feel like to be Julia Roberts or Meryl Streep! Fame is intoxicating! And so were those Bloody Martinas because just then the room started spinning like a mirror ball, and I spent an hour in the "Ladies" with a repeat performance of Martina at the US Open (if you get my drift). Still, I left The Hole Enchilada with my head held high (and my shoes in my hand) with the heartwarming cheers of the precious guys and gals of WeHo fading into the background.
And now, for my new friends in West Hollywood, here are the winners (as best I can remember) of the Wednesday Drag Queen Bingo Night from last week:
"The Judy Garland": Miss Bingo Betty Sanchez, myself!
"The Pearl Necklace": Donna Smith
"The Trojan" David ??
"Around The Rim": Ruben ??
"Sixty-Nine": Jeff ??
"Nails Like Butta": Cara ??
"The Top": Steve, or Seth, or something that starts in an 'S' ??
"The Bottom": someone Polish, I think
Til next time, ladies, eyes down.
Miss "Bingo" Betty Sanchez
